


Selfie

by Useful_Oxymoron



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A selfie is a sign of love, F/F, Family Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Happily Married, Humor, Magical Ragequit, Maurice Moss - Freeform, Post-War, Technology, Witch vs phone, have you tried turning it on and off again?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:06:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23064448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useful_Oxymoron/pseuds/Useful_Oxymoron
Summary: When Hermione calls her loving wife 'technologically illiterate', Bellatrix considers this a declaration of war and decides to send Hermione a selfie from her daughter's phone.Oh dear...
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Bellatrix Black Lestrange
Comments: 28
Kudos: 264





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mistressmetis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistressmetis/gifts), [Turandokht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turandokht/gifts).



How hard could it be?

That was Bellatrix's initial thought when she started fiddling with her daughter's infernal muggle puzzle-box. The first surprise was to actually find Cassie's puzzle-box left on the kitchen table: the way she was always mucking about with that thing, Bellatrix had started to think she was married to the thing and her hand would start to shape itself to that flat little box.

Worst thing yet is that Cassie had talked Hermione into getting one as well, albeit one that was much cheaper and smaller. Still, that had given her an idea. Hermione always told her to 'get with the times' and 'enjoy the things the muggle world had to offer'.

Right. It was bad enough that Cassie had one foot in the muggle world, but that didn't mean Bellatrix should follow suit. Although she had to admit she did rather like central heating in their home. But that was the only thing she would admit to and even then begrudgingly.

Of course, when Hermione had called her 'technologically illiterate', Bellatrix could see that as nothing else than a declaration of war.

Bellatrix was convinced she, as the talented witch she was, could even master a muggle device if she wanted to. And she would do that by snapping a picture and sending it over to Hermione by way of muggle puzzle-box.

How hard could it really be? The muggle puzzle-box was a creation of inferior muggles and she had seen her daughter do it so many times before. If a twelve year old could figure it out, it should be easy for someone of the skills and talents of Bellatrix Black.

She held the puzzle-box in front of her and carefully tapped the flat surface. A colorful image appeared on the surface of a drawn girl which was disturbingly thin, had no nose, eyes way too large for her face and blue hair. Bellatrix scrunched up her nose at the image in sheer distaste: her daughter had some rather strange interests.

Apparently, the puzzle-box needed to be unlocked with some sort of swipe.

"Not much of a security measure," Bellatrix muttered, pressed the tip of her long nail into the surface and shoved it to the right. Nothing happened. Bellatrix tried again, leaving some scratches on the surface. Strange. She had seen Cassie do this multiple times a day.

She swiped with her nail wilder and wilder in frustration, leaving more and more scratches. Until she got the bright idea to use the flat of her finger instead.

"Ahah!" Bellatrix exclaimed as the disturbingly drawn girl disappeared and made way for... a different disturbingly drawn girl with breasts way too large for her body which were barely covered up with gravity defying strips of fabric. Around the girl were a few smaller rectangular drawings. "Now what?"

As she was trying to figure out what to do next, she was startled by the sound of a 'bloop' while a message popped up on top of the surface. No doubt from one of Cassie's insipid little friends. While trying to concentrate, the 'bloop' came back several times and it started to annoy her to no end. Still, if it could receive messages, Bellatrix surmised it could also send them. Perhaps she could tell this insipid little friend to leave her alone.

She tapped the message and a whole new screen appeared. However, her joy quickly faded when she saw the letters appear at the bottom of the surface. They were all out of order! How on Earth was she supposed to write a message that way?!

Bellatrix found her rage mounting deep within her. Right, lets keep this short and to the point then. Bellatrix discovered that she could make letters appear by pressing them with her finger, making slow but steady progress. "F... U... C... K... I... F... F..." she typed out.

 _Fuck iff_.

She knew it wasn't correct, because she had missed the 'o' and pressed the 'i' instead. But really, that was the puzzle-box's own fault for placing the letters out of order. She pressed the conveniently labeled 'send' button. Satisfied, she was about to find her way back to the big-breasted drawn girl when something popped up.

"CASS OMG WTF!"

Bellatrix looked at the message. Read it once. Twice.

"What the bloody hell does that even mean?!" Bellatrix yelled at the puzzle-box. There was, of course, no answer.

Obviously, she'd need to be more direct and drastic in her attempts to get Cass' annoying friends to leave her alone. Again, she started type again. "B... E... S... I... L... E... N... T... Y... O... U... S... T... U...P... I... D... T... W... A... T... S... Y... O... U... A... R... E... A... L... L... I... D... I... O... T... S..."

There. No mistakes this time and she only missed one spacing. Bellatrix was quite pleased with herself. Surely this would be a clear enough message.

After pressing the conveniently labeled 'send all'-button, Bellatrix was reasonably sure that she would be left alone from now on. Which left her to figure out the camera part of the puzzle-box in peace. Once back to the screen with the big-breasted drawn girl, she had a eureka-moment when she found a small icon shaped roughly like a camera. She pressed it with the flat of her finger and a real-time depiction of the kitchen appeared on the surface.

"Aaah," Bellatrix smiled in victory while she waved the camera around and saw the image change. She aimed the puzzle-box at the table and, after pressing a button underneath, had snapped a picture of the kitchen table.

"Easy!" spoke the self-assured Bellatrix aloud to the empty room. Now to take a picture of herself. This was significantly harder, however, considering she had to turn around the puzzle-box to aim its lens at herself while trying to figure out how to actually operate it at the same time. She held the puzzle-box away from her, arm stretched out fully while trying to maneuver her finger to the other side of the puzzle-box to feel around for the button to actually snap the picture.

She cursed as she was blinded by a flash, but decided to snap another one to make sure while still feeling around. No flash came and Bellatrix was getting frustrated again. "ARGH!" she yelled out in anger once a sudden flash blinded her again. There, two was enough. Next step was to send the picture to Hermione.

Bellatrix flipped the puzzle-box again and by now she had discovered the use of the ever convenient 'send' button. She pressed it and a list of names appeared. Bellatrix tapped through it, but couldn't find the name 'Hermione'.

"Fallen at the last hurdle," Bellatrix seethed, until she saw the word 'mum' appear. Hm, the puzzle-box had correctly identified Hermione as Cassie's mum. That was a bit frightening to think of. Still, she pressed it, the puzzle-box showed the word 'sending' and the photograph was off.

Ecstatic about her victory over this vile muggle device, Bellatrix tossed it back to the table and went to do what she had came to the kitchen to do: make herself a cup of tea to enjoy while she worked.

After her rehabilitation, she had been asked by the Ministry to join their team of unspeakables. Bellatrix had become somewhat of an expert on the Dark Arts for obvious reasons, and was currently helping with the development of new countermeasures. Hermione had likened it to ex-burglars going to work for security companies and using their previously gained knowledge for good rather than personal gain. She supposed this was an apt comparison. Also, it allowed her to work mostly from home.

With a fresh cup of mint tea in hand, Bellatrix returned to their home's sizable library-office and continued her work.

While dipping into a rather nasty family of curses, she could hear the puzzle-box's angry buzzing from the kitchen for hours afterwards. No doubt it was angry about having been defeated by a powerful and clever witch such as herself and she paid it no further mind. It was simply beneath her notice, like so many of the other things she had bested.

Bellatrix was still at work when when front door to their townhouse opened and there were sounds of footfalls on the stairs. It was a stride which Bellatrix recognized, so she already sat back with a smug look on her face. Hermione stepped into her office, smile on her face, trenchcoat folded up in her arms and lovely brown hair cascading over her shoulders and back.

"Good afternoon, pet," Bellatrix greeted and was soon on the receiving end of a loving kiss. "How was your day?"

Hermione chuckled and produced the smaller puzzle-box of her own. She tapped a few buttons and flipped it around. On the surface was a grainy, out-of-focus, crooked selfie of Bellatrix in a state of abject snarling rage.

"Better when I saw this!" Hermione giggled. "I couldn't stop laughing for ten minutes. Ron and Arthur couldn't either when I showed them."

Bellatrix smiled and raised her chin imperiously. "And to think you said I would never be able to work one of those puzzle-boxes. What do you think of your 'technologically illiterate' wife now, hm?"

"You've proven me wrong, Belle, and I stand corrected," Hermione smiled. "I don't feel like cooking. How about we order a pizza tonight? Cass will be home soon too."

Again, the front door opened.

"Ah, speak of the devil," Bellatrix chuckled. Their daughter ran up the stairs and appeared in the library. A plucky twelve-year old girl, curly brown hair and wearing jeans which were inexplicably torn in places but still somehow cost more than a pair of jeans without tears sauntered towards the desk.

"Hi, mums," Cassie greeted, kissing both her mothers on the cheek.

"Hey there, sweetie," said Hermione. "We're thinking pizza for dinner tonight."

"Sounds great!"

"How was your shopping trip with nan?" asked Bellatrix, sarcastic edge froming. "Buy any more damaged trousers for full price?"

Cassie groaned and rolled her eyes. "It's fashion, mum!"

"Right..." Bellatrix muttered. "Never mind that you're spending my money on ratty torn clothing..."

"Anyway, it was fun, but I forgot my phone," Cassie muttered. "I thought I had it in my jacket, but I didn't. I missed a whole day of chinwag with my friends!"

"Oh, you mean your puzzle-box?" Bellatrix replied. "It's on the kitchen table."

Cassie's eyes lit up. "Ta!"

Bellatrix slammed the book shut and placed it in the drawer to lock it away. When she looked up, she saw Hermione smirking at her.

"What?" Bellatrix raised an eyebrow.

"One... Two... Three..." Hermione counted slowly, that smirk still tugging at the corners of her mouth.

On the count of three, a massive wail sounded through the house. The source was Cassie in the kitchen. "MMMMUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM! WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!"


	2. FIX IT!

Maurice Moss quite enjoyed running his own computer shop. After years of slaving away at the IT department of a large cooperation, being his own boss was a welcome change of pace. Business was booming, at it were, and his regulars were for the most part rather nice. Some customers were mulling about the shop, while he was helping a nice elderly chap with his iPad.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed a strange lady stepping into the shop. This lady seemed to be in her forties and had a somewhat wild curly mane... Seeing his own curly mane was hardly tamable, he felt quite a bit of sympathy for her. But that was not what struck him as odd: her way of dressing made it look as if she had stepped right out of a Victorian period drama.

How odd. Could she be a cosplayer? He'd met one or two sometimes, but no cosplayer had ever been inside his shop. The woman had a large bag with her and seemed a bit skittish, scowling at everyone and everything in the shop and not daring to approach some of the computers on display. The woman queued up behind the elderly gentleman and waited impatiently, glaring at the old pensioner every so often.

After the old pensioner was quite happy to be able to unlock his iPad again, the man thanked him and turned away to leave. The woman with the curly hair practically rushed the counter, reached down to fish a small desktop from the bag and plonked it on the counter.

“FIX IT!” the woman demanded with a harsh tone.

“Hello, _Turning it on and off again computer services,_ how may I help you today _?”_ Moss gave the woman his best toothy smile.

The woman blinked, then narrowed her eyes. “Are you taking the piss?” she hissed. “I just told you to FIX IT!”

“Right, sorry,” said Moss. “I always have a little bit of trouble when customers deviate from the script. Let me just inspect the patient.”

Moss looked over his glasses to inspect the case. “Ahah, I think I see what is causing the trouble. There is a big smoldering hole in the side of your computer case.”

“I _know_ there is a hole in the side of the computer case!” the woman now snarled. “FIX IT!”

Moss rubbed his chin, took a penlight from his pocket and peered through the hole. The hole itself was sizable and seemed to have been burned through the aluminium. Whatever had caused this had exploded inside, melting portions of the motherboard, shattering the graphics card and basically fried the CPU.

“Huh...” said Moss. “I need to ask you a few questions.”

The woman muttered something under her breath about something called 'muggles'. “Fine! If it gets this fixed faster, I will answer.”

“What exactly where you doing at the time of the incident?” asked Moss.

The woman seemed a bit cowed, perhaps a bit embarrassed. “Minecraft,” she whispered softly.

“Excuse me, what was that?” asked Moss.

“MINECRAFT!” the woman shouted. “Sodding MINECRAFT! Are you happy now?!”

Moss held up his hands. “Now, now, madam. That is nothing to be embarrassed about. I realize that Minecraft is a bit mainstream but it could have been worse. It could have been League of Legends. I'm not here to judge you, madam...”

“Black!” the woman pressed.

“Tell me in full and complete detail the events leading up to the incident,” said Moss.

The woman, madam Black, took a few deep breaths. “I like building games, alright?” she spat, a little flustered. “They're relaxing. Especially after a hard day of work.”

“Like I said, nobody is judging you. Building games are quite alright. Now Hentai games would have been a different story, but we won't talk about those in this house. ”

Madam Black pursed her lips, still glaring at him. “I was making a perfect replica of Diagon Alley in Minecraft with all the shops, the same layout as the real thing and including the Leaky Cauldron. This was my third attempt and I finally had everything down to perfection! And then... then...”

Moss felt the need to take a step back as madam Black looked as if she was about to explode. “A SODDING CREEPER SHOWS UP AND CHOSES TO EXPLODE IN MY POXY GUNPOWDER STORE, BLOWS UP HOURS OF WORK AND... then this happened!”

Moss found his ears ringing and took another glance at the smoldering hole. “A creeper did this to your PC?”

“No,” spoke madam Black rather sheepishly. “BUT IT _IS_ THAT CREEPER'S FAULT!”

“Madam, I'll be quite honest, this machine has been pretty much destroyed,” said Moss. “You can sort of tell by the fact that you can follow the trail of burned bits falling off of it right back to the bag you pulled it from.”

“Oh, typical!” Bellatrix huffed. “How am I supposed to relax after work now?!”

“If this is what happens when you relax, I'd hate to see what happens when you are active,” said Moss.

“Oh, trust me,” grinned the woman. A most unsettling grin. “You _would_ hate that.”

Moss scratched his chin. “Hard drive looks salvageable, so there's that. But I think I know a thing or two which can help you relax far more.”

“Oh?” madam Black raised an eyebrow.

“Follow me, please...”

Apparently intrigued, madam Black did just that.

* * *

Hermione and Cassie entered their maisonette after a visit to her parents and put away their coats. “Bella!” she called up the stairs. “We're home!”

No reaction.

“She's probably playing Minecraft again,” their curly-haired daughter smirked. Indeed, Bellatrix had always claimed that computer games were foul, immoral things. But that was before Cassie let her play a few. Her wife still had her obsessive nature and Minecraft was her current one. Still, that was a tad more wholesome than some of the other games out there. Even if there had been evenings when Hermione had had to drag Bellatrix to bed by her ear.

Cassie ran upstairs and Hermione slowly followed.

The library was mostly Bellatrix' domain and her workplace, but part of it had been turned into a small computer corner. The desktop and monitor once belonged to her dad and, though old, were sufficient enough for Minecraft. In fact, the only things Bellatrix knew how to do with the computer was how to turn it on and to click on the Minecraft icon to make it run.

“Uh, mum,” said Cassie, her head popping out of the library just as Hermione came off the stairs. “You might want to see this...”

When Hermione entered the room, she blinked. Oh, Bellatrix was indeed playing Minecraft, but her computer corner had completely changed: instead of the old desktop and monitor, Bellatrix now had a three-monitor setup. Next to the desk on the ground stood a massive black desktop tower with all manner of RGB lighting and whirring fans. Topped off with an expensive looking soundbar and... was that a racing chair her wife was sat in?

“Bella,” Hermione blinked. “What _is_ this?”

“It's a computer mum,” Cassie said, practically salivating. Finding a booklet near some empty boxes on the floor, she leafed through it. “What?! This setup is better than _mine_!”

“Jealous?” Bellatrix asked without looking up from her game. “I now have all I need to play Minecraft.”

“You don't need all of this to play Minecraft!” Cassie retorted. “That game would run on a potato! Like granddad's old PC!”

Hermione frowned. “You set all this up yourself?”

“Indeed!” Bellatrix said proudly. “The nice Muggle at the shop wrote me a very comprehensive guide. All very step by step. Oh and when I told him I like building games, he also gave me these.”

Bellatrix pointed to a stack of PC game cases. Cities Skylines, Planet Coaster, Stranded Deep, Kerbal Space Program, Planet Zoo and Jurassic World Evolution. Not titles of any games Hermione recognized, but Cassie certainly did. “Mum? There are all some pretty intense build games,” Cassie bit her lip. “You are _really_ going to have to watch her sleep cycle. If you don't, she'll be playing all night every night.”

Hermione sighed. “Just great,” she muttered. Oh, she was quite happy that her wife was actually getting into a hobby she really liked, but... let's just say that she was intimately aware of her wife's obsessive nature. Sometimes it felt very much as if Hermione was raising _two_ children in this house.

“Oh, Cassie?” asked Bellatrix. “Could you take those games and make the little start picture icon thing appear on the screen for me?”

Cassie let out a frustrated groan. “Her computer blows mine out of the water and she doesn't even know how to use it! Fuck my life!”

“Cassie!” Hermione admonished. “Language, missy!”

“Sorry, mum,” Cassie pouted, before putting her hands on the playing Bellatrix' shoulders. “Mum could we... build a dinosaur park together? It'll be fun.”

“Dinosaur park, ey?” Bellatrix rubbed her chin. “Does it have creepers?”

“No, but it'll have T-rexes.”

“Do those explode?” Bellatrix asked with a dangerous edge on her voice.

Cassie frowned. “No, but they'll probably eat people if they escape.”

“Oh, well, that's alright then,” Bellatrix nodded. “They're probably just muggles anyway.”

Hermione snorted and kissed the top of her wife's head while she was playing. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that life with Bellatrix held many surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those wondering, yes Maurice Moss is the same Maurice Moss from the IT Crowd. If you don't know who that is, this should give you a clear indication: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EBfxjSFAxQ


End file.
